Metalci spasavaju princezu

[Covenant]

Mislim da mnogi zanju za ove fore,ali evo za one koji nisu culi
Pozajmljeno je iz Metal Hammer-a cini mi se.....
Hehe...

This is the situation: There is a beautiful princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon. Here is the end of the story with different kind of metalheads as knights.
* POWER METAL The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the
princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* THRASH METAL The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
* HEAVY METAL The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
* FOLK METAL The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins,
flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep
(because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe,
skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to
death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* BLACK METAL The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle.
Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.
Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
* GORE METAL The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front
of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again,
slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time,
burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
* DOOM METAL The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never
beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the
princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes.
The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom,
plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the
conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
* GLAM METAL The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets
him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* NU METAL The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the
dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

[Oggy]

Da znam neki ljudi kojima sam to pokazao su se bukvalno valjali od smeha dok su citali!

[Marjan J.]

hahahahha najace je za nu metal

[VeNoM]

heheh nije loše....

[voodoo_]

Znate onaj fazon "zašto je pile prešlo ulicu", pa kao Ajnštajn odgovara "nije prešlo nego se ulica pomerila pod njegovim nogama", Platon kaže "zbog opšteg dobra", Koštunica kaže "nisam obavešten" itd.
E, varijanta sa metal grupama:


Zašto je pile prešlo ulicu?

Rhapsody: To slay the mighty, great and glorious dragon which honorably bears the unholy symbol of the five flaming crossed swords!

Hammerfall: To come to the home of the brave!

My Dying Bride: To die alone and embrace the unescapable cold embrace of death on a cold, dark, misty autumn night... It's bloodied body is what I cling to...

Iron Maiden: It was afraid of the dark.

Sinergy: It went to the fourth world!

W.A.S.P.: To fuck something.

Manowar: TO FIGHT SIDE BY SIDE WITH THOR'S MIGHTY MINIONS!!! Tto rock, drink and fuck... AND BE METALLLLLLLLLLL! If the chicken is not into metal, it is NOT MY FRIEND!

Type O Negative: ...

Sentenced: To end its misery.

Lost Horizon: TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF WILL AND FREE ITSELF FROM ALL CHAINS OF FATE!!!

Satan Panonski: JER JE BILA BLUDNAAAAAAAAAAA I TREBA TRPITI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Burzum: To KILL THE JEWS!!!

Slayer: TO REFUSE THIS FUCKING RACE, REJECT GOD AND BE BAPTIZED IN BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!

(ubaci ime power metal benda): To fly on the wings of destiny!

Korn: To get away from abusive parents.

Children of Bodom: Cuz it got more painful every time he died...

Annihilator: Chicken isn't it frightening, chicken aren't you scarred...?

Korpiklaani: To drink, fight and dance till the morning!

Yngwie: TO UNLEASH THE FOKKIN' FURY!!!!

Vintersorg: To go TO THE MOUNTAINS

Ozzy: Chicken gather in their masses... just like witches at black masses...

Metallica: To sue other chicken for crossing his road!

Cradle of Filth: RAAAAA RAAAAAAA GROOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU GREEEEEEEEEEEE CHICKEEEEEEEEEEEEEN GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Amon Amarth: TO RIDE FOR VENGEANCE, FIGHT FOR HONOUR, GLORY, DIE IN FIRE!

Stratovarius: To hunt high & low!

Sonata Arctica: Chicken, my darling, i'm writing to you, tell me that you still love me, whore...

Helloween: To be friends with the other chicken! WEEEEE! Chicken don't come easy!

Running wild: ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Misfits: TO RAPE YOUR MOTHER AND KILL YOUR BABY TODAY YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Judas Priest: Wings of steel this chicken, deadly nose this chichken yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Evergrey: It went in search of truth

Kalmah: It went TO THE SWAMP!

Saxon: WAS IT WEARIN DENIM, WEARIN LEATHER?

Nevermore: Nevermore to lay an egg, the egg collector sang, and it won't be feeling hollow for so long..

Madder Mortem: Because that is where forever opens, taht is where it falls apart...

System Of A Down: For selfrighteous suicide

[voodoo_]

[nastavak]

Cannibal Corpse: To be slayed, butchered, fucked, raped, strangled, for me to feast on its intestines!

Symphony X - To unleash the fuyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Dream Theater: To look another way and not find it there

Phatasmagoria: Jer nekoliko prelazaka nije vecnost, probudi se....

Susperia: to enter HOME SWEET HELL!

Immortal: To enter the necrotic frostbitten gates of blashyrkh... mighty grim ravendark...

Impaled Northern Moonforest: aagrwwwaehrdfshgrwwwwaeeeeeeerwwwwwweraaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaanhraghthsaghttCghteeeeeHerrrrraaaaaaaaaIIII IIIICKEEEEEEEEEgrawarereraNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Anal Cunt: Chicken's mom is gay.

Hatebreed: to FACE WHAT CONSUMES IT!!!!!

Temnozor: By fires and murder, the yellow chicken roars...

Bal-sagoth: To enter the cosmic power in it's vast void of empty nothingness and swoosh within the astral forces of the northern something.. BLODU OK JARNA!

HIM: To drink the blood and be killed by its love...

Limp bizkit: Welcome to da country, punk, take a look around, it's chicken fuckin' up ya town... CHICKEN IS ACROSS DA STREET Y'ALL!

Andromeda: Chicken = 2 chicken

Bruce Dickinson: He didnt want to be in a band with an italian drummer. TO THROW ITSELF INTO THE SEA!

Mayhem: To worship satan!

Arch Enemy: It needs your flesh...

Gamma Ray: YOU-EVIL-FARMERS! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE CONTROL! YOU CAN TAKE IT'S LAID EGGS, BUT YOU CAN'T BREAK ITS SOUL! ONE DAY IT SHALL BE FREE!

Joe Satriani: "tiruli triruliliruliiiiiiiiiiiiii ChchchchchchtrilululilialuariaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA eeeeeeeeeeauauauauaua *solo*"

Dimmu Borgir: Chicken is war, chicken is pain, chicken is all you've ever slain, he is tears in your eyes, he's the bringer of the blight...

Cruachan: It's on the rocky road to dublin!

Impaled Nazarene: Chicken has crossed the via dolorosa with zero tolerance. The absence of eggs does not mean peace!

Grave Digger: Chickenheart! almighty king, freedom it'll bring! *bagpipes*krijeeesht*

Pantera: To cross the cemetary gates...

Queen: The chicken must go on! Fat bottomed chicken make the rockin' world go round!

Led Zeppelin: To be a rock and not to roll...

Sirenia: It was at sixes and sevens

Blind Guardian: ACROSS THE STREET IT WILL BELIEVE (back vokal: ACROSS THE STREET IT WILL BE FREE!)

Nargaroth: CHICKEN IST KRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEG!

Venom: Chicken is in league with Satan!

King Diamond: Oh poor little chicken, it doesn't know what it got itself into... HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHehehehehehehahahaha!!!

Turbonegro: Chicken's got erection.

Nokturnal Mortum: IN THE NAME OF ARYAN PRIDE!

Iced Earth: Saviour to his own, chicken to some, chickenkind falls, something wicked comes!

Demons & Wizards: He went to fiddle on the green

Undercode: To raise his wings, cuz he knows who he is!

Dungeon: To meet his slave of love...

[voodoo_]

A za prvi post ima dodatak:

GRIND METAL: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

METALCORE: The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in an anger that someone messed up his dance routine.

INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

[sasha vukelic]

svaka cast onome ko je sve to smisljao!!

[Kum Ruzvelt]

Alal vera.

[zvucnjak]

HEhehhe citao sam ovo na jednom metal forumu, do jaja je... Ovo za pile je super

[striderXIII]

Cruachan: It's on the rocky road to Dublin!

hehe

Orthodox Celts: It's on the rocky road to Dublin!

[Neuro]

F E N O M E N A L N O ! ! !

[black]

ha ha ha niste normalni

[Bokile]

black kaže:

ha ha ha niste normalni

A ko kaze da jesmo,molicu fino?

[black]

dobro izvinjavam se sto se odmah ljutite?

[Ulmawen]

Ih, što zapade ova tema u zapećak? Evo malo reanimacije...

WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

• Guitars don't get pregnant.
• You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
• Guitars don't have parents.
• Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
• You can share your Guitar with your friends.
• Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
• Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
• Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
• Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
• You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
• If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
• Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
• Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
• If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
• You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
• Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
• Guitars don't get headaches.
• Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
• Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
• Guitars don't care if you're late.
• You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
• If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
• You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
• The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick.
• When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar.

and last, but not least:

• If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you own.

[Ulmawen]

WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

• Guitars don't work late.
• Your Guitar stays as clean as you want it to.
• Guitars don't have parents or kids.
• Guitars don't get sick.
• Guitars don't get overweight, unless you like the Jumbo style.
• If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
• Your Guitar always has time for you.
• Guitars don't watch TV.
• Guitars never need a shave, nor do they have hair on their backs.
• Guitars don't snore.
• Guitars don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.
• If you don't like the length of your Guitar's appendage you can get a new one.
• You can try out as many Guitars as you like before you get your own.
• You don't have to feed your Guitar.
• Guitars never argue, you are always right.
• Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
• Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
• Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
• Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars.
• Guitars don't care what you look like or what your age is.
• Guitars don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.
• Guitars don't care if you have to work late.
• When you're playing, your Guitar doesn't care if other Guitars are bigger or better.
• Guitars don't care about their performance.
• Guitars don't get you pregnant.
• Guitars don't have mothers.
• When you've finished playing, you can put it away.
• You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it.
• Guitars don't sulk.
• Guitars don't bore you.
• Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players.
• Guitars don't have to prove anything.
• Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.
• Guitars don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
• Guitars never interrogate you.
• Second-hand Guitars don't brag about previous owners.

[Ulmawen]

(nastavak)

• Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town.
• You don't have to explain to a Guitar if you don't feel like playing tonight.
• Guitars never put you down, yet you can put them down whenever you wish.
• Guitars don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.
• Guitars don't have egos.
• Guitars don't need remote control units.
• When you're lost you don't have to argue with your Guitar about stopping to ask the band for directions.
• When your Guitar is being played too slow, you can speed up.
• When you need someone to play with, your Guitar is happy to accomodate.
• You buy the tools your Guitar needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used.
• You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.
• You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control.
• Your Guitar never finishes before you do.
• Your Guitar doesn't complain about your going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it.
• You never get helpful suggestions from your Guitar's mother.
• Your Guitars will allow you to play it even on Super Bowl Sunday.
• Your Guitar never complains if you put on a few pounds.
• When your Guitar is dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and knowthat it can be fixed).
• Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.
• Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard.

and last, but not least:

• Your Guitar will never turn into a beer bellied blob of wood and metal on the couch in front of the TV.

Ljuti mama i tata pitaju se gde su pogrešili u vaspitanju deteta, pa ono ne sluša metal.

[Ulmawen]

HOW TO CREATE A FOLK SONG

• All folksongs begin with the phrase: ''I asked my love to take a walk'
• The walk should be:
  • Down by the riverside
  • Past the prison
  • Into the valley
  • Over the sea and far away.
  It should NOT be:
  • To the store for a loaf of bread
  • To Wallmart
  • Along the Champs-Elysee, Park Avenue, or Pennsylvania Avenue
  • On rollerblades.
    
• The conversation along the way should be about:
  • Your racehorse
  • The perfidious British
  • The revelation that you are her/his longlost brother/husband/blacksmith/Lord
  • The inevitable baby
  • Murder
    
• Places to be mentioned include:
  • Botany Bay
  • The Mountains of ...
    • A Land called Honalee
    • Carrickfergus
    • The valley
    • The fair
  • All of the above in reverse order, Botany Bay always coming last.
    
• All folk songs repeat the same words in each verse, but move them around until one person is killed or the ghost appears. If the ghost appears, it repeats the original verses and the process begins all over again. This is known as revenge.
  
• The chorus of all folk songs is half of the words of the verse moved around some more, and with the addition of some poignant nonsense syllables, all in a minor key. No new information is provided.
  
• References to work in folk songs should include:
  • Hammers (visionary or steam)
  • Railroad trains, preferably on the same track hurtling towards each other
  • Lots of whales
  • Sowing, reaping, harvesting, babies dropped in furrows, etc.
  • Job categories allowed in folk songs include:
    • Circus work
    • Lighthouse keeping
    • Mourning
    • Gypsying (especially kidnapping)
    • Blowing up British buildings.
  • References to work in folk songs should avoid the following job categories:
    • Insurance
    • Work for any government agency except prisons
    • Re-insurance
      

[Ulmawen]

• Words that can be sprinkled at random over folk songs:
  • gather,
  • farewell,
  • thee,
  • dead,
  • twa,
  • alas,
  • true love,
  • bonnie, dagger,
  • do Lord.
    and so on.... These apply mostly to ballads:
    
• True loves are always either:
  • Missing (gone for seven years)
  • Dead (see Necrophilia element)
  • In disguise
  • Your brother/sister (either known or unknown)
  • False (off chasing/married to another)
    
    If it's a happy ending, it's a very rare folksong...
    
• If your true love is dead, you must:
  • Long to kiss his/her dead lips or other portions of the anatomy (The Tradition of Necrophilia)
  • Never love again
  • Have done her in yourself after spending all night diggin' of her grave
  • Have done him in yourself because he done you wrong
    
• If you are a sailor, and you meet a fair young lady, you will:
  • Wind up with no money and no clothes, wearing a dress (the Transvestite Element)
  • Get laid after pulling her string
  • Acquire a painful and unpleasant social disease
  • Get shot after she dresses in men's clothing and finds you've been false
    (see Transvestite Element)
    
• If you are a young lady, and you meet a sailor, you will:
  • Turn him down because he's dirty
  • Turn him down because you don't recognize him
  • Change your mind when you find out he's got money
  • Change your mind after experiencing his sexual prowess
  • Dress up in man's clothing (the Transvestite Element, yet again)
    
• And LOTS of metaphors!! Refering to various actions, body parts, etc., should be as circumspect as possible. Birds,flowers,alcoholic beverages,(blud red wine, etc)... may be freely substituted for lips, breasts etc.
  
  And for Male Parts...anything is ok as long as it is longer than it is wide.
  
• Women who are NOT active heroines in the song may be given away as prizes to men who achieve some goal...such as killing villians, saving ships, etc.